Ian and I are sitting in Portland Brew. And it felt like a good time to fill you in…
I didn’t write about it because I was exhausted about talking about our infertility, but our third IUI failed.
I didn’t feel good about it from the get go. I had one mature follicle, but it seemed too mature (based on my extensive internet research). We proceeded, nonetheless. I had no hope, and alas, no baby was conceived. Maybe my hopelessness contributed to that (like I should be willing a baby into existence), but I’m convinced there are many biological components that just aren’t working like they should.
We took December off to allow for a stress-free holiday with my family (and because our doctor’s office made a scheduling error and had to cancel our second consultation with our doctor). But we were going to start 2017 with a new plan.
About a week and a half ago, we met with our doctor for the second time. She was perplexed by our situation. My normal AMH result didn’t really match up with the number of follicles she saw on one of my ultrasounds. I only had about 8-10 follicles total, which is apparently low (and can signify a low ovarian reserve – we’ll come back to that in a bit). We decided to do our fourth IUI this cycle. But we’re doing things a little different. We’re doing the Clomid Challenge this cycle, and due to some concerns I had about my luteal phase, she also prescribed a progesterone supplement. She also mentioned IVF as our next step.
This is where the panic started to set in. I went home and immediately started searching “follicle count”, and came across a number of articles that talk about the relation between low antral follicle counts and IVF success rates (spoiler alert: it’s not good). And this is where three hard thoughts enter my mind:
1. We’re nearing the end of our rope – IVF is expensive and we’ll likely only attempt it once (+ any frozen embryo transfers if available).
2. This is my fault. It’s my biology that’s not working. It’s not Ian’s sperm. It’s not some weird fluke. It’s my dumb ovaries.
3. What if Ian and I will never get to see what our biological children will look like?